South Wales Volvos

Colin · Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 11:08 am Post subject:

I know, I know...

Is it that guy at the back is about to let all the water out cos he's pushing the side of the pool down?
How about all those cans of lager on the table - one could tip on the electrical equipment... VERY dangerous!

bob13 · Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 10:34 am Post subject:

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fuckin blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Professor James Moriarty · Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 1:36 am Post subject:

warning don't read if u are dumb stupid or easily offended Exclamation

*ADMIN EDIT* Adult content hidden

'There once was a man from Nantucket

Hidden:

'There once was a vampire called mable

Hidden:

There once was a fellow named Kent

Hidden:

There once was a man from Alsass

Hidden:

There was a young girl from Cape Cod

Hidden:

There was a horny young lady named Jill,

Hidden:

There was an old man of Ely
Who spoke to his wife in Swahili;
For as she could speak
Only English and Greek,
He could use it to swear at her freely

There once was a man from Cheaney

Hidden:

Old Mother Hubard went to the cupboard

Hidden:

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

There was a young girl from Rabat,

Hidden:

I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled "Hoo,"
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled "I don't have a clue!

There Once was a Man called Reg

Hidden:

There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes

There once was an artist named Saint,

Hidden:

There once lived a virgin in Cork

Hidden:

There once was a man from Bel Aire

Hidden:

THE END

Professor James Moriarty · Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 1:41 am Post subject:

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your rear.

Professor James Moriarty · Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 1:55 am Post subject:

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing £1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.
Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS

Professor James Moriarty · Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 1:57 am Post subject:

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Hidden:

*ADMIN EDIT - ADULT CONTENT*

bob13 · Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 4:42 pm Post subject:

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

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WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"

<hr>

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

bob13 · Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 8:41 am Post subject:

Heather Mills has bought a brand new plane with her money,but insisted that she would still use a Bic razor for the other leg.....

Colin · Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 9:11 am Post subject:

I do like a good pun! Mr. Green

bob13 · Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 11:36 am Post subject:

Hypnobum

bob13 · Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 6:50 pm Post subject:

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of

Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:

The Death Slide

The Wall of Fear

The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was

Reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to

a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with

Extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the

Movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog,

Popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed

Exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and

Lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total

Realisation...'I meant my dress size, you ******g t**t !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's* still*

Gonna get it wrong......

bob13 · Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject:

Two Aussies are sitting down for a break in their about-to-be-opened
> > new store . As yet, the store isn't ready although the shelving is all
> > in place.
> >
> > One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some dork of a tourist is
> > going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're
> > selling."
> >
> > No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
> > bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asks,
> > "What're yer sellin' here?"
> >
> > One of the men replies, "We're selling arseholes here mate."
> >
> > Without missing a beat, the Kiwi says, "Geez, you must have had a
> > bloody good day, you've only got two left!"

bob13 · Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:46 pm Post subject:

Eyewitness

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he
was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
;
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did
you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

bob13 · Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject:

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed
The game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

loopy · Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject:

9000 people are makin love rite now, 2000 are kissing, 100 are getting oral and 1 sad bugger is reading this. you hang in there friend.......